Crying Into My Coffee
A Morning After the Life I Planned
I was having a conversation – ahem, a cry session about my life – with a friend
(OK maybe she was AI…don’t judge).
Since my bot has gotten to know me a bit, she said, “Why don’t you just write?”
I replied, “That feels scary.”
But then I started.
No goal in mind, not sure where it would end up.
Just write.
Not to Sage (my ChatGPT), to Claude (my other AI friend), to you, or even to myself… I’m just writing because in writing, I find clarity.
And in writing, I hope to come across some of my own nuggets of wisdom, hiding in the corners of my brain.
The truth is, I am angry.
I am still sad.
I am mad that my life has been so upended.
I am frustrated that I put so much of my time and energy into building a life with someone and I am left with nothing to show for it (except my dog… which def isn’t nothing).
Speaking of my dog, I cried on my scooter ride home today, just looking at her.
She sits on the bottom of the scooter like such a good girl – a little angel baby, as my friend Regina would say.
She leans against my leg with her mouth open in the wind – pure joy.
She just adapts and she’s amazing.
My therapist asked me: “What do you have to look forward to? What grounds you? What keeps you sane right now?”
And my literal only answer is, “My dog.”
She’s what I wake up for, she’s what consistently makes me smile or laugh, and some days, she was the only thing that has kept me here.
When the idea of unaliving crossed my mind*, the thought of my dog finding my body snapped me right out of it.
Today I did some work at cafe – my usual routine.
Money has been tight.
Business is slow. Inconsistent.
But who am I kidding?
It’s been inconsistent all along.
I have the burden of ads, payroll, managing subscriptions, and praying for buyers and sellers to agree on closing dates.
Entrepreneurship isn’t for the weak and it’s infinitely harder when you’re in survival mode.
I am trying to figure out where to go.
How do I manage a lifestyle that I love on one budget?
What even is my budget?
What can I even afford when my team gets paid first and I get paid last (if at all?)
I know in time I’ll find the answers, but today I just want to write it out – to let it be known, that I’m not OK, and also let it be OK to not be OK, because it’s all going to be alright. (Thank you Jellyroll for that one #IYKYK)
* “Unalive” meaning suicidal ideation or thoughts of harming oneself.
If you ever find yourself in that dark place, please reach out to someone. You are needed here.
US Crisis Line: 988
International list: opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
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Thank you for reading my work.
Thank you for your raw honesty. I can relate to your struggle. You are needed and you are an essential and important part of this world. You have the potential to make this world better than your wildest dreams.
Keep after it. Keep learning, growing, failing and you will eventually get the life you dream of. I’m 51 and I didn’t start on my path until my mid 40s when I had some major life catalysts. Now I have four streams of income, I’m buying a vacation property next year, my retirement is secure, I don’t worry about money, and I love my purpose. After I “put my own oxygen mask on,” I was able to lift others up: adopt two special dogs no one wanted, donate monthly to animal charities and ensure my daughters college is paid for and mentor another professional in my space.
I’m not smart and I’m not special in any way. I just kept seeking out knowledge and teachings from people who had done what I wanted to do and then I did it in my own way. It wasn’t an easy journey, and I made mistakes along the way. It was uncomfortable at times but that’s also part of the fun. The money is not the reason for our journey. It’s the person we become in the process of our journey.
After you’ve created your dream life you’ll lift others up. But, don’t ever doubt the power you possess to create the life you want AND that this world is a better place because you are here.
I tell my kids (and one of yours, lol) that my first wish for them is to be useful, not happy. By that, I mean be useful in a profession/livelihood and in relationships with loved ones. Because it’s in being useful that we find meaning and happiness in life. In case no one has told you this recently, you are useful AF! You are also spot on about finding meaning by looking forward to something. And when you think about it, the things we look forward to always involve be useful in something or to someone. It’s being that value add.